What kind of a man does it take to be "The Uber-Fan"??
Well, it turns out not much of a MAN at all. Here are the few rules I have managed to come up with to become "The Uber-Fan". Feel free to add some in the comments.
1) Be druuuuuuuunk. Did you catch that...this is very different from having one to many cocktails. I'm talking double-fisting for hours in preparation for the big game. I'm talking ass-over-teakettle drunk. "Cuz it'll be totally sweet dude!!!!"
2) Be shirtless. Because who isn't impressed by a slightly overweight thirty-something with a farmers tan? Bonus points if you forget to wear sunscreen and the bald spot takes the worst of it.
3) Be fearless in your use of obscenities and racial slurs....I think this one speaks for itself. "Who cares what those F@#$ers think anyway!!"
4) Know nothing about the sport being played or the teams playing. This is almost essential. To be "The Uber-Fan" you will have to be constantly hollering and screaming things that make little or no sense to anybody around you. I have heard "MAKE THE PLAY.....OR DON"T MAKE THE PLAY!!" verbatim from an actual "Uber-Fan".
5) Bonus points if you can upset fans of the team that you are cheering FOR!!!
6) Bonus points if you paint a portion of your body and end the day with a sunburn around the giant "D" you painted on your chest. (The "D" is for dumbass)
7) Bonus points if you actually get drunk enough to go ass-over-teakettle at some point.
8) Do not have the common decency to sit at any point during the game. You obviously are more important so definitely don't let little Jimmy see his hero smash a homer. Hopefully it just leads to a line drive that will shut you up!!
9) Definitely do not allow anyone from another city to even remotely enjoy watching and cheering for their team...."What are they doing in your house anyway?"
There you have it. The general tenets for becoming "The Uber-Fan". Now please avoid these and enjoy the game with everyone else.
