I HATE this guy!
First, you get to a friend's house party. There are steps you are about to run through that every man does.
1) Find the host. Thank him for the party he is throwing and apologize in advance for the craziness that is about to ensue.
2) Open your second drink (let's be honest. We all know the first drink was the real number 1).
3) Scout the party...Who do you know? Who don't you know? More importantly,are there any girls that you want to know?!?!
Now comes the fun part, you just got into a conversation with a killer story about your drunken escapades at the lake, in the bar, or that time in Europe....whatever. The cute girl across the table giggles and gives you the "tell me another story" eyes, and you are just about to...when out of nowhere "The One-Upper" swoops in with his famous line, "That's nothing!!! This one time I..."(blah...who cares...blah...not nearly as funny as my story) And she actually giggles at that slop he threw out too.....ohhhhh it's on. You pull out your best story from Detroit at the bachelor party with the hobo (top that punkass!!)
"That's nothing...I once saw a hobo making it to third base with a blow up doll on a mountain of crack!! (Bullshit!!) Now....evvvveryone knows he's full of it. Don't be the guy that calls him on it. Just say, "Wow...that's amazing." And go grab another drink...because it's going to be a long night of avoiding THAT GUY.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Sinking Ship
Have you ever seen this?
On any given Saturday night, a friend calls you up with an idea "Let's go downtown!!!" Great idea...or greatest idea? So, you throw on your best hoodie you can find and run out the door excited to grab a beer and shoot some pool with the boys....but hold on...do you hear that in the background of the phone call...something evil is afoot.
That's right that small giggle you heard in the background was not only the girlfriend, but also HER friends. You suddenly realize what a terrible terrible mistake you made when you climb into the car and look around and see shirts that resemble disco balls more than actual clothing. You all know what's about to happen....DANCING!!!!.....yay
This post is dedicated to the original caller. Don't be that guy. Never ever invite a friend onto a Titanic of an evening. When you realize that you are going down with the ship...instead text all your friends to avoid your fate of ramming an iceberg (catch that...the girlfriend is the iceberg...think about it) and being stuck on a dance floor being shoved from behind by some sweaty 500 pound man, while some girl you've never met rides your leg like a cowgirl and sweats all over you....yeah....dance clubs are fun....and the music....oh god if I never hear another YEEEE-AHHH...WHAAAAT....HANDS IN THE AIR A-A-A-AIR....it will be entirely too soon.
On any given Saturday night, a friend calls you up with an idea "Let's go downtown!!!" Great idea...or greatest idea? So, you throw on your best hoodie you can find and run out the door excited to grab a beer and shoot some pool with the boys....but hold on...do you hear that in the background of the phone call...something evil is afoot.
That's right that small giggle you heard in the background was not only the girlfriend, but also HER friends. You suddenly realize what a terrible terrible mistake you made when you climb into the car and look around and see shirts that resemble disco balls more than actual clothing. You all know what's about to happen....DANCING!!!!.....yay
This post is dedicated to the original caller. Don't be that guy. Never ever invite a friend onto a Titanic of an evening. When you realize that you are going down with the ship...instead text all your friends to avoid your fate of ramming an iceberg (catch that...the girlfriend is the iceberg...think about it) and being stuck on a dance floor being shoved from behind by some sweaty 500 pound man, while some girl you've never met rides your leg like a cowgirl and sweats all over you....yeah....dance clubs are fun....and the music....oh god if I never hear another YEEEE-AHHH...WHAAAAT....HANDS IN THE AIR A-A-A-AIR....it will be entirely too soon.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Blow Off
Do you know this guy?
Have you ever made plans with a buddy? You know...those super-secret unbreakable plans that men make with each other whenever there is a big game on. There are definitely exceptions to the unbreakable nature of these plans (i.e. certain relations are being withheld if he leaves for the game...and death....I think that rounds out all exceptions).
We all know the guy that blows off the game because he is going to be such a BIG help when she is picking out the color of the drapes for the living room (lets be honest...lilac and periwinkle are the same color...and they both suck).
To this guy I offer some advice....don't be such a periwinkle (brought it back). But more importantly prove to her that she comes first during the PRESEASON...those games don't matter and she won't have any idea!! You'll get credit for missing the fourth string struggle to hike the ball AND you'll get a bye later when the games matter. WIN/WIN.
Also, to the girl that gets upset because its movie night..."Mama Mia" will be there tomorrow for him to suffer through. On every day of the year you will come first except when Duke is playing UNC...and that's nonnegotiable.
Have you ever made plans with a buddy? You know...those super-secret unbreakable plans that men make with each other whenever there is a big game on. There are definitely exceptions to the unbreakable nature of these plans (i.e. certain relations are being withheld if he leaves for the game...and death....I think that rounds out all exceptions).
We all know the guy that blows off the game because he is going to be such a BIG help when she is picking out the color of the drapes for the living room (lets be honest...lilac and periwinkle are the same color...and they both suck).
To this guy I offer some advice....don't be such a periwinkle (brought it back). But more importantly prove to her that she comes first during the PRESEASON...those games don't matter and she won't have any idea!! You'll get credit for missing the fourth string struggle to hike the ball AND you'll get a bye later when the games matter. WIN/WIN.
Also, to the girl that gets upset because its movie night..."Mama Mia" will be there tomorrow for him to suffer through. On every day of the year you will come first except when Duke is playing UNC...and that's nonnegotiable.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Ken Doll
Have you ever met this guy?
It's OK to change your sense of style slightly or occasionally to look like the kind of guy that a girl might actually WANT to date (read fooling her into thinking you are better than you are). New shoes and shirt for a first date. We all do or have done it. We all dress in a way that will HOPEFULLY attract not only the other sex, but more precisely the kind of girl that we are actually looking for. So, if I'm a grunge punk rocker kind of guy and that's also the kind of girl I want to date. Then, I'm not walking around in American Eagle. You get the point.
Anyway, these small choices of clothing that represent who we are as a person is not what I'm talking about. It's that guy. You know the one. The guy that used to wear a baseball hat and jeans. He maybe even wore a jersey or two, but since he started dating that new girl....boy he's changed. All of a sudden, he's wearing v-neck sweaters, popping his collar, and generally looking like he belongs in an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.
Yeah....that guy.
It's not OK to let yourself become her personal Ken Doll every day. It's not OK if you have to ask for approval on your "going out" clothes. And it's definitely NOT OK if you show up to watch a game at the bar with the boys in frickin pink (No pink is not your color. And no it doesn't prove that you are secure in your masculinity enough to wear it...and even if you THINK you are secure...we are not so sure anymore). And stop popping your freaking collars. It just generally makes you look like a douchebag from the moment you walk in.
Dressing up and looking good for a girl is one thing, but if she is picking out your "outfits" you have a problem.
It's OK to change your sense of style slightly or occasionally to look like the kind of guy that a girl might actually WANT to date (read fooling her into thinking you are better than you are). New shoes and shirt for a first date. We all do or have done it. We all dress in a way that will HOPEFULLY attract not only the other sex, but more precisely the kind of girl that we are actually looking for. So, if I'm a grunge punk rocker kind of guy and that's also the kind of girl I want to date. Then, I'm not walking around in American Eagle. You get the point.
Anyway, these small choices of clothing that represent who we are as a person is not what I'm talking about. It's that guy. You know the one. The guy that used to wear a baseball hat and jeans. He maybe even wore a jersey or two, but since he started dating that new girl....boy he's changed. All of a sudden, he's wearing v-neck sweaters, popping his collar, and generally looking like he belongs in an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.
Yeah....that guy.
It's not OK to let yourself become her personal Ken Doll every day. It's not OK if you have to ask for approval on your "going out" clothes. And it's definitely NOT OK if you show up to watch a game at the bar with the boys in frickin pink (No pink is not your color. And no it doesn't prove that you are secure in your masculinity enough to wear it...and even if you THINK you are secure...we are not so sure anymore). And stop popping your freaking collars. It just generally makes you look like a douchebag from the moment you walk in.
Dressing up and looking good for a girl is one thing, but if she is picking out your "outfits" you have a problem.
Don't Be That Guy
Have you ever met "that guy"? Don't get me wrong, I understand that is a vague question. I understand there are infinite situations, and in each of those infinite situations there can be a guy that is acting contrary to the accepted social norms. Therefore, there are infinite numbers of "that guy" or "those guys" out there. So, of course you have met "that guy".
You know the type. The guy that walks his girlfriend's dog while the dog is dressed in a pink sweater and jewelry. The guy that would voluntarily miss the Super Bowl party because his girlfriend wants to watch "Chocolat". The guy that pops his collar in a Midwestern town bar. The guy that fake bakes. The guy that every guy loves to hate. The guy that walks into a bar, and you and your friends ruthlessly lay into him about his bug-eye sunglasses and v-neck pink sweater.
That guy.
We all hate that guy. So, I'm dedicating this blog to prevent many of you from becoming "that guy".
You know the type. The guy that walks his girlfriend's dog while the dog is dressed in a pink sweater and jewelry. The guy that would voluntarily miss the Super Bowl party because his girlfriend wants to watch "Chocolat". The guy that pops his collar in a Midwestern town bar. The guy that fake bakes. The guy that every guy loves to hate. The guy that walks into a bar, and you and your friends ruthlessly lay into him about his bug-eye sunglasses and v-neck pink sweater.
That guy.
We all hate that guy. So, I'm dedicating this blog to prevent many of you from becoming "that guy".
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