The Mooch!!!

Smirnoff. Who on God's green earth would drink a Smirnoff? I mean it is literally so sweet that it can cause a gut to rot in three sips. Who's mind developed this diabolical drink....and moreover where can I find them and force feed them their own evil concoction (over/under on how many they can actually drink is four....place your bets now!!)

Now....I realize that to women this is like the sweet nectar and ambrosia only reserved for the greek gods...but no man would ever dream of touching the stuff....right????

A girl leaves it in my fridge because it is too sweet for even her. Fast forward 24 hours....after a long day of work said girl now wants a little drinkie-poo because her day sucked. "Well come on over! You still have your Smirnoff in my fridge.....or does she????

Now, the mystery begins. You try to think back through the fog that was your night and figure out what could have happened. Well.... Smirnoff tastes like genuine and pure evil in a bottle so you wouldn't drink it even if that "Saw" guy told you to in his creepy ass voice. And she left it in the fridge...you definitely remember watching her walk away *wink*, and everyone else at the party had their own beer....except...no....he wouldn't have....THE MOOCH!!!

"The Mooch" is most definitely that guy. Nobody really invited him. How did he find out about this party? Somehow he figured out where and when the party was through divination or some other black art, but he didn't quite find out that it was BYOB....how convenient. Except nobody is willing to give him anything to drink...cuz he's "The Mooch", and we all guard our cases like a pit bull guards his food dish. Inadvertent bites may happen but its worth it to teach "The Mooch" a lesson. But he is a sneaky little minx and finds a stash of drinks in a fridge in a room away from the party....jackpot. He quickly pilfers these libations and returns to the party a little tipsy and feeling good. And nobody is the wiser....until the next night....and Smirnoff is missing....and there is an angry girl....but "The Mooch" has again vanished into his hole....waiting for the next Mike's Hard Lemonade or Zima to fall into his grasp.

The Pretender

There you are. Sitting. Minding your own business. Maybe you are at a concert. Maybe you are at a ballgame. Maybe you went to the rodeo. Maybe you are having a cup of coffee. Maybe you are on your favorite bench at the mall that overlooks the Victoria Secret exit (um...forget that last part...I reveal too much to you people). And there he is...in all his glory!!! I call him "The Pretender".

Leading candidates for "The Pretender"

The Jersey Douche
Haha...is the title easy? Yes. Is the title of this character funny? Yes. Is the title of this character true? Can something be "very" yes?

I have a vice or two...or three or four....teen. But I refuse to suscept myself to the torture and intelligence suckhole that is Jersey Shore.

This guy is ginger but attempting to tan, gel, and name body parts to become more like "The Situation" or whoever. Are you kidding me. Melanoma is not pretty. Neither is hair so sharp it pops balloons. Especially on a 6'4" ginger. You are not from Jersey (thank whatever god blessed you enough to not be born there [I hear you get robbed on your way out of the womb there]) You do not want to act, talk, or treat other people the way those sad sad excuses for human beings do. Trust me.

Another leading candidate would be "The Hometown Homie"
The guy that grew up in North Dakota, but tries to dress like a gangster, talk like a gangster, and lean like a gangster. (What's a gangster lean like anyway?? Is it that different from my pasty nerdy lean?? Less gangly and more "gang"ly?...haha that was lame) But come on dude. We all know you are the "coolest" because you left the hologram sticker on the brim of your cap. Makes you pretty gangster. Who wants to be a gangster anyway?? Death fear and racism....good fun.
Pull up your pants, straighten your hat, remove that damn sticker, get a job, and contribute to society.

Lastly,

The Cow-huh-boy?
Walking around a rodeo with his jeans tucked into his shit kickers (cowboy boots for all you city people). Big dorky cowboy hat with the tag hanging off the back (a major fashion faux pas...and I know my "faux pas" [also what is the plural of a word with a silent "s" at the end?{also how many parentheses before this becomes ridiculous? |correct answer...four haha|]]) OK back to the rodeo. He obviously bought the hat and boots that day in a terrible terrible attempt at actually fitting in, in a place has no business fitting in. You actually make yourself look like more of an outsider and definitely more of a douche by attempting to be someone you most certainly are not. No self respecting cowboy tucks his pants in his boots. Reason being that if a cow poops on your leg it runs down your leg...into boot...not exactly what I like walking in all day...might be good for the skin though haha.

There you have it. The leading candidates for "The Pretender". Let me hear your opinions.

The Cockblock

Don't be that guy...nuff said...douche.

And this one is not a subject to laugh about or discuss....What I wrote is TRUTH pure and simple...no need for elaboration or explanation or any other "ation"

The Vent

Ok, so we have all been there.

Remember that time that the cute girl/guy didn't dance with you? Remember the time that everyone had a date to that one party except you? Remember that time that your girlfriend cheated on you? Remember that time she dumped you for no reason? Remember when?

Remember how terrible that made you feel? Remember running to your one friend that would listen? Remember how hard it was to start? Remember that moment before telling your friend everything that was killing you? Remember how difficult those first words were? Remember the waterfall after? Remember how your friend barely talked...how they listened? Remember crying on his/her shoulder? Remember the hug that almost made you feel all better? That hug that makes you feel warm and loved? That hug that truly let's you know that this feeling will pass? That there are better days? Remember when?

Remember when your friend bought you another drink? Remember drinking and complaining until the sun was nearly up? Remember how terrible and how great that night was?

Remember those hugs.
Remember those tears.
Remember the giggles through the years.
Remember the love of friends.
Remember that everyone vents.
Remember to be a good friend.
Remember to be a vent.

Be THAT guy.