Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Pretender

There you are. Sitting. Minding your own business. Maybe you are at a concert. Maybe you are at a ballgame. Maybe you went to the rodeo. Maybe you are having a cup of coffee. Maybe you are on your favorite bench at the mall that overlooks the Victoria Secret exit (um...forget that last part...I reveal too much to you people). And there he all his glory!!! I call him "The Pretender".

Leading candidates for "The Pretender"

The Jersey Douche the title easy? Yes. Is the title of this character funny? Yes. Is the title of this character true? Can something be "very" yes?

I have a vice or two...or three or four....teen. But I refuse to suscept myself to the torture and intelligence suckhole that is Jersey Shore.

This guy is ginger but attempting to tan, gel, and name body parts to become more like "The Situation" or whoever. Are you kidding me. Melanoma is not pretty. Neither is hair so sharp it pops balloons. Especially on a 6'4" ginger. You are not from Jersey (thank whatever god blessed you enough to not be born there [I hear you get robbed on your way out of the womb there]) You do not want to act, talk, or treat other people the way those sad sad excuses for human beings do. Trust me.

Another leading candidate would be "The Hometown Homie"
The guy that grew up in North Dakota, but tries to dress like a gangster, talk like a gangster, and lean like a gangster. (What's a gangster lean like anyway?? Is it that different from my pasty nerdy lean?? Less gangly and more "gang"ly?...haha that was lame) But come on dude. We all know you are the "coolest" because you left the hologram sticker on the brim of your cap. Makes you pretty gangster. Who wants to be a gangster anyway?? Death fear and racism....good fun.
Pull up your pants, straighten your hat, remove that damn sticker, get a job, and contribute to society.


The Cow-huh-boy?
Walking around a rodeo with his jeans tucked into his shit kickers (cowboy boots for all you city people). Big dorky cowboy hat with the tag hanging off the back (a major fashion faux pas...and I know my "faux pas" [also what is the plural of a word with a silent "s" at the end?{also how many parentheses before this becomes ridiculous? |correct answer...four haha|]]) OK back to the rodeo. He obviously bought the hat and boots that day in a terrible terrible attempt at actually fitting in, in a place has no business fitting in. You actually make yourself look like more of an outsider and definitely more of a douche by attempting to be someone you most certainly are not. No self respecting cowboy tucks his pants in his boots. Reason being that if a cow poops on your leg it runs down your leg...into boot...not exactly what I like walking in all day...might be good for the skin though haha.

There you have it. The leading candidates for "The Pretender". Let me hear your opinions.


  1. This is HILARIOUS! "Less gangly and more "gang"ly?" hahaha oh Blake! This post made my night!

  2. I am not sure what your vision for "The Pretender" is precisely. However, if you don't mind I will throw my two cents in and add to the lot of winners. Lets call him Fair Weather Alexander. We all know this guy and probably all have him in our social life's from time to time; even though you can't stand to watch a game with him. You can defiantly tell who these guys are from just how they wear their team's (for the moment) apparel. It is usually brand-new because it has been sitting in the closet for the whole season(s) or it is the hot thing to wear at the moment. Then the d-bag opens his mouth and that seals the deal. After the comment from left field is made you either, A: sit there and think to yourself, didn't that happen last season and who the hell invited this guy anyway. Or B: you are the guy in the room to actually have some grapes and say, "shut the hell up, you have no idea what you are talking about, try watching some of the regular season for once". These people actually have the audacity to call themselves fans right around when the playoffs start; and imagine that it is usually for the #1 seed... odd... These guys really piss me off and are a disgrace to all true fans everywhere.

    Now I know my writing prowess is not on par with yours sir. And the Fair Weather Alexander might not be exactly what you were going for with this theme. That guy just really pisses me off...

    Cheers mate

  3. Haha...that guy deserves his own post. I HATE that guy. Especially when it's my team he bandwagoned to. Then we all look like total d-bags.