Tuesday, January 7, 2014

What is a snapchat???

Now this is going to date me (as if using that phrase doesn't).

So, it happened. I have become that guy. The worst part about being that guy is you don't even know you are that guy....or perhaps that is the best part. Ignorance in this case really may have been bliss.

I was happy once. I thought I knew things. I play video games. I have the newest phone. I bought a new laptop. I have a tablet. I knew things. Then one night of excitement shattered my world of glass into a thousand pieces. It was admittedly a small world...only a thousand pieces, but it was mine. And I thought I knew things.

Forget "that night". Let's back up even further. Years ago I realized I wasn't aging well. I pulled my hamstring....lots of times....in a single summer...pulled it so bad it bruised my entire leg....it was not pretty even though I was secretly proud of it!!! But I was aging. Not just in body but in mind.

It was already happening I'm sure long before I realized it. I was turning into my dad. I didn't mean for that to sound like an insult. He's a great guy whom I along with everyone really truly loves and respects. I only mean to say that I was already considering new music to be terrible and too loud.

And that's a bad feeling the first time...when you hear about some hiphop artist that did something stupid on MTV and you have no idea who that person is or exactly what they did (what is twerking??) It's a bad feeling...the first time. Now it has become an everyday occurrence. Who these people are and why they are famous I will never understand (what is a kardashian anyway?)

Anywho, you get the gist of who I have become. And with that realization I aged in my mind. And I was ok with where I was. I'm too old for hiphop...I'm ok with that.

Then "that night" happened. There I was with my girlfriend. Watching a hockey game. Happy. Then it happened. A girl right in front of me took a picture of herself. Then a minute later took another....then another from a slightly different angle...then another from above....then another with a friend...then another with a weird ducklike face....then another...then with a hat on. I was confused.

To my girlfriend I could only utter single words or parts of words "Wah?" "Why?" "Huh?" "The hell?"

She just uttered a single word, "Snapchat."

Like THAT answered my question. I have so many more questions now. "What in theee hell is a Snapchat?"

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Mooch!!!

Smirnoff. Who on God's green earth would drink a Smirnoff? I mean it is literally so sweet that it can cause a gut to rot in three sips. Who's mind developed this diabolical drink....and moreover where can I find them and force feed them their own evil concoction (over/under on how many they can actually drink is four....place your bets now!!)

Now....I realize that to women this is like the sweet nectar and ambrosia only reserved for the greek gods...but no man would ever dream of touching the stuff....right????

A girl leaves it in my fridge because it is too sweet for even her. Fast forward 24 hours....after a long day of work said girl now wants a little drinkie-poo because her day sucked. "Well come on over! You still have your Smirnoff in my fridge.....or does she????

Now, the mystery begins. You try to think back through the fog that was your night and figure out what could have happened. Well.... Smirnoff tastes like genuine and pure evil in a bottle so you wouldn't drink it even if that "Saw" guy told you to in his creepy ass voice. And she left it in the fridge...you definitely remember watching her walk away *wink*, and everyone else at the party had their own beer....except...no....he wouldn't have....THE MOOCH!!!

"The Mooch" is most definitely that guy. Nobody really invited him. How did he find out about this party? Somehow he figured out where and when the party was through divination or some other black art, but he didn't quite find out that it was BYOB....how convenient. Except nobody is willing to give him anything to drink...cuz he's "The Mooch", and we all guard our cases like a pit bull guards his food dish. Inadvertent bites may happen but its worth it to teach "The Mooch" a lesson. But he is a sneaky little minx and finds a stash of drinks in a fridge in a room away from the party....jackpot. He quickly pilfers these libations and returns to the party a little tipsy and feeling good. And nobody is the wiser....until the next night....and Smirnoff is missing....and there is an angry girl....but "The Mooch" has again vanished into his hole....waiting for the next Mike's Hard Lemonade or Zima to fall into his grasp.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Pretender

There you are. Sitting. Minding your own business. Maybe you are at a concert. Maybe you are at a ballgame. Maybe you went to the rodeo. Maybe you are having a cup of coffee. Maybe you are on your favorite bench at the mall that overlooks the Victoria Secret exit (um...forget that last part...I reveal too much to you people). And there he is...in all his glory!!! I call him "The Pretender".

Leading candidates for "The Pretender"

The Jersey Douche
Haha...is the title easy? Yes. Is the title of this character funny? Yes. Is the title of this character true? Can something be "very" yes?

I have a vice or two...or three or four....teen. But I refuse to suscept myself to the torture and intelligence suckhole that is Jersey Shore.

This guy is ginger but attempting to tan, gel, and name body parts to become more like "The Situation" or whoever. Are you kidding me. Melanoma is not pretty. Neither is hair so sharp it pops balloons. Especially on a 6'4" ginger. You are not from Jersey (thank whatever god blessed you enough to not be born there [I hear you get robbed on your way out of the womb there]) You do not want to act, talk, or treat other people the way those sad sad excuses for human beings do. Trust me.

Another leading candidate would be "The Hometown Homie"
The guy that grew up in North Dakota, but tries to dress like a gangster, talk like a gangster, and lean like a gangster. (What's a gangster lean like anyway?? Is it that different from my pasty nerdy lean?? Less gangly and more "gang"ly?...haha that was lame) But come on dude. We all know you are the "coolest" because you left the hologram sticker on the brim of your cap. Makes you pretty gangster. Who wants to be a gangster anyway?? Death fear and racism....good fun.
Pull up your pants, straighten your hat, remove that damn sticker, get a job, and contribute to society.

Lastly,

The Cow-huh-boy?
Walking around a rodeo with his jeans tucked into his shit kickers (cowboy boots for all you city people). Big dorky cowboy hat with the tag hanging off the back (a major fashion faux pas...and I know my "faux pas" [also what is the plural of a word with a silent "s" at the end?{also how many parentheses before this becomes ridiculous? |correct answer...four haha|]]) OK back to the rodeo. He obviously bought the hat and boots that day in a terrible terrible attempt at actually fitting in, in a place has no business fitting in. You actually make yourself look like more of an outsider and definitely more of a douche by attempting to be someone you most certainly are not. No self respecting cowboy tucks his pants in his boots. Reason being that if a cow poops on your leg it runs down your leg...into boot...not exactly what I like walking in all day...might be good for the skin though haha.

There you have it. The leading candidates for "The Pretender". Let me hear your opinions.

The Cockblock

Don't be that guy...nuff said...douche.

And this one is not a subject to laugh about or discuss....What I wrote is TRUTH pure and simple...no need for elaboration or explanation or any other "ation

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Righteous Politician

I know the title is ridiculous. Why in the world would anybody expect there to ever be a "Righteous Politician"?

I'm not asking for as much as the name may imply.

I want a man that believes what he believes. He defends it with certainty, supports it completely, and votes that way.

President Obama has led a charge extending government benefits to many. I'm not here to argue the merit of that decision (Ha..seriously...maybe another time). BUT!!!! How can you support those measures and not raise taxes? Increased spending by the government means that it needs more money. You cannot raise benefits for a few million Americans and leave taxes. It doesn't work that way. You spend more...you MUST make more. As an individual you shouldn't spend more than you make or you will regret it later. So too is Obama writing checks that the next President will have to pay for. That isn't doing what is right. That isn't being smart. That is pandering for a reelection. If you TRULY believe that more benefits for more people are necessary, why not raise taxes to pay for those programs?? Rather than leave a larger and larger deficit.

That's not only poor dedication to your cause and the nations, but it's poor math as well.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Vent

Ok, so we have all been there.

Remember that time that the cute girl/guy didn't dance with you? Remember the time that everyone had a date to that one party except you? Remember that time that your girlfriend cheated on you? Remember that time she dumped you for no reason? Remember when?

Remember how terrible that made you feel? Remember running to your one friend that would listen? Remember how hard it was to start? Remember that moment before telling your friend everything that was killing you? Remember how difficult those first words were? Remember the waterfall after? Remember how your friend barely talked...how they listened? Remember crying on his/her shoulder? Remember the hug that almost made you feel all better? That hug that makes you feel warm and loved? That hug that truly let's you know that this feeling will pass? That there are better days? Remember when?

Remember when your friend bought you another drink? Remember drinking and complaining until the sun was nearly up? Remember how terrible and how great that night was?

Remember those hugs.
Remember those tears.
Remember the giggles through the years.
Remember the love of friends.
Remember that everyone vents.
Remember to be a good friend.
Remember to be a vent.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Gal-Pal

We've all seen him. We've all felt sorry for him. Hell...most of us have been him at one point or another. You know him by the fact that he's standing next to all the girls before they all hand their purses over to him as they hit the dance floor. That's right...he's "The Gal-pal".

This poor poor fella is sadly mistaken into thinking that he has a shot with these girls because he is being so very nice. Not so my good man. If you had a shot...it was a looooong time ago way before the girls put you in charge of baggage claim.

Here's how it happens.

You run into the cute harpy that you met last week in the bar. You make small talk and start thinking she is suuuper into you...she even said it was nice to meet you (and nobody would say that unless they had very serious feelings)!!!! Before you know it you are telling her about this party you are going to this weekend and she and her friends should come. They do...but forget their wallets (enter pouting face) for a beer cup...no worries you will be her knight in shining armor and purchase a glass of the godly nectar for them (then they will definitely like you).

Next thing you know they need a ride home and you are the nicest guy they know and so you give them a lift. But wait a minute...no kiss...no flirting...dude...you are a glorified taxi cab with a party hookup for them. Stop running errands...stop fixing their computers...stop refilling their keg cup...trust me she isn't interested...she just likes the fact that you will do anything for her. So...instead focus on that girl that is jealous of all the attention you are throwing at the harpy and introduce yourself...bring her a cup...see what happens.

Now, I'm sorry to say that at one point in my own life I was a "Gal-Pal-User"....now this is where a girl uses her own Gal-Pal to get you something. I'm not proud of this but it was nice to just have this poor chap bring me beer....haha....yeah I can see the appeal ladies, but it's not mean to tell a girl to refill a cup herself. It's 2010 and girls almost make as much money as men!!! Feminism women! You can do it....I believe in you!!